Ladies and gentlemen, I have new and undisputable evidence to disprove the following theory: The idea that you must be a finely-tuned athlete who treats his body as a “temple”, and religiously monitors every substance that enters it in order to maintain the highest regard for both physical appearance as well as machine-like efficiency operating at the highest levels…to be a Major League Baseball player (and more specifically a Major League Pitcher)…is grossly (pun intended here) exaggerated.
Case in point: Carlos Silva, “ace” pitcher for the Chicago Cubs. After seeing him pitch over the weekend against my Chicago White Sox, two things immediately came to mind. First, in comparison, CC Sabathia looked like a Greek Adonis. And second, somewhere in the world, in a location most certainly unknown to his agent, and maybe even unknown to the player himself…Bartolo Colon caught part of this game, and quickly scribbled a note to either stuff into an empty tequila bottle (to be thrown into the nearest stream, river, or perhaps ocean) or fed into the mouth of the nearest carrier pigeon or other long-distance flying bird…in an attempt to alert his agent to start contacting teams to schedule a tryout. Because, if THIS GUY can pitch (and go 8-0 in the National League), then old Bartolo could potentially win another Cy Young Award.
Not to minimize the achievement of Silva, but going on pure appearance commentary here, a few descriptive words jump to mind. Let’s see: um, Fatass. No, that’s offensive, and may even be politically incorrect. Try again, um…Bum. Yeah that’s a good one, and how about Hobo, or Garbage Man? With no offense intended to bums, hobos, or garbage men of course, but unfortunately they all become guilty by association with Mr. Silva. I mean, really. With all of that money (and we’re talking MILLIONS of dollars paid annually) that these guys make, would it kill them to actually take some pride in their appearance, and maybe not make the fans look for any opportunity to boo them out of pure jealousy for the money they make at our expense (we do pay their salary after all) , and out of pure resentment for their obvious lack of regard for being paid enormous sums to play a child’s game that most of us would commit murder for the same chance that they are taking for granted? C’mon Carlos, step away from the buffet line for a few seconds, and cozy up to the razor for a shave once in a blue moon. I won’t like you any more (since you do still play for the Cubs) but I might, just maybe respect you a bit more….maybe.